Doing my coaching training with Nancy Kline and Time to Think I learned a huge amount about appreciation. I’m still learning. It’s such a useful and important ingredient in the chemistry that creates successful, clear thinking, yet it seems to me to be thoroughly neglected in the world at large. And since becoming aware of what it truly is, and what it can do for me and for others I also see how helpful it would be if most people were more tuned in to hearing and accepting appreciation on the one hand, and on dishing it out in regular doses on the other.
What happens when you hear criticism? Or what your manager/ boss might call feedback? For most people, quite a lot. Deep in the brain critical suggestions are interpreted as aggression, and the brain will notch up a few gears to deal with that. The automatic response will be some kind of fight/ flight/ freeze reaction, all of which happens through the sudden stimulation of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol which drench the pre-frontal cortex (where cognitive stuff happens) so that instead of being ready to listen and take the critical message on board well we are now primed for survival in whatever form that takes, and unlikely to absorb anything. I know my response is always ‘freeze’ (rabbit in headlights); I find it very hard to settle into a useful response in good time. Others want literally to run away/ back down; some will immediately plunge in aggressively and fight verbally.
Which basically seems like wasted effort all round. Creating a cycle of discontent – ‘I told him what isn’t working but he’s not doing it any better’; ‘didn’t go down well, she went off in a right strop’ ‘I was only trying to help!’ (I love that one!)
Research now seems to prove that appreciation has a very calming effect on the brain, and that in the right general proportions can help us to get past critical comment/ feedback and even accept and work on it constructively. There is an equation in here that’s very helpful. If you are offered 5 pieces of appreciation that is sincere and specific then the brain will trigger reward hormones like dopamine which introduces more oxygen and other energy giving elements to the pre-frontal cortex, which means that the 1 piece of significant, specific feedback can be heard, accepted and worked upon.
Knowing this explains a lot about why standard feedback processes don’t work. There’s something called the feedback sandwich – one positive, one negative, one positive. Usually the recipient of the sandwich (!) stands there knowing the big bad one is coming, and is unable to hear or process the stuff on either side – our vital, primitive tendency to seek survival first will always make us focus on what’s dangerous to us, which these days is more likely to be negative input rather than sabre-toothed tigers. So that sandwich is not going to be much use, as a mechanism for feedback.
So – how to use this? Depends on the context. As always being aware of the brain science is helpful because it creates a distance between the experience and our response – it promotes clarity and consciousness of what’s going on. If you are getting ready for a big meeting or interview, learn to appreciate yourself first, and often. Make lists of everything you do that is good/ valuable/ professiona/ likely to be useful and read the list aloud so you can hear the words. As well as stimulating the right hormones and a calmer mindset it will also help trigger these skills and abilities at the right time in the interview or meeting.
As a boss or manager try out using appreciation in this way. Experiment. Find up to 5 details you can truthfully praise, say them clearly and succintly and then say ‘and your work/ presentation/ contribution would be even better if you did/ changed/ found out…’ and remember that you must avoid the dreaded ‘but’.
Try it out. Discover appreciation. It’s free, and it works.