Do you know that the average length of time you get to explain something important/ interesting/new is 8 seconds? And that if you are really lucky you might get up to 20 seconds? That’s all of 20 seconds in which to work out what you need to say before your listener jumps in with what they think.
What they think might well be interesting and new too. The thing is it certainly won’t be what you were thinking or developing in your own mind as you spoke, it will be something else. When they interrupt you before you’ve finished working out your new idea that new idea of yours gets lost. The idea that is now being worked on by someone else is something different. Our brains are so fast, our thinking so fluid, that if the new thought that was being created doesn’t get the time and attention it needs at that moment it’s gone.
And if your listener is interrupting you with advice, with ‘I think you should’ or ‘that’s good but this is better’, or ‘if I were you I would’ then a bit of your mind switches off. As Oscar Wilde put it so perfectly: I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. Why do we find it so hard to assimilate advice? Because usually we haven’t asked for it, and mostly it doesn’t fit. We haven’t had the chance to articulate our own thoughts about the situation and someone else’s thoughts don’t do the same job. Why would you settle for second-hand thinking when you can create your own fresh thoughts?
Advice is a subtle kind of command. And the brain is not designed to accept commands other than under conditions of extreme need – ‘the building is on fire, jump out of the window’ – that kind of need. And if it worked we’d all be very wise, wouldn’t we? We’d only need to hear it once from someone else and we’d be sorted. I don’t think it works that way.
So we need a way to listen and give attention that works far better than command and interruption. How about becoming a listener? How about becoming mindful of the 20 second limit, and going beyond it? What about giving genuine, inspiring Attention? What works best is to listen with real interest, keeping eye contact with the speaker, showing her or him that you are genuinely interested in what’s being said. That level of interest has a deeply calming effect on the speaker’s brain, allowing thoughts and ideas to form faster and more clearly. Your listening like this will generate new stuff, and your thinker will be pleased. Possibly even surprised.
If you make a habit of doing this, of listening with deep attention to the end of an idea, of waiting until the thinker is finished rather than jumping in to reply, you will experience all kinds of benefits. These will include better information and ways of understanding what it is the person wants to do or wants from you. And on a deep, human level that person will feel understood by you and will trust you a bit more than they did at the beginning of the listening. Which may develop in all kinds of ways, professional and personal. And the best thing of all is it’s free. Go on, give it a go. Offer attention, be fascinated, create trust.
And if you’re interested in finding out about ways of creating an environment in which people will think clearly and independently please get in touch with me. It’s what I do.